The 24 Biggest Red Flags in People I Used to Call “Friends”
What are red flags in a relationship? They are signs, big or small, that signal something’s off in a relationship. These red flags in a relationship are the “hmm” feelings you get in your gut. The patterns you try to rationalize. The little (or loud) ways someone’s behavior doesn’t align with what a safe, supportive friendship should feel like.
A red flag doesn't always mean the person is evil, but it does mean there's something harmful, unsustainable, or unhealthy going on. And as introverts or sensitive souls, we often override relationship red flags with empathy. We explain them away with "they're going through something" or "maybe I’m just being too sensitive." Nah. Red flags mean pause, reflect, and protect your peace.
Whether it’s friendships, dating, or any close bond, understanding what is a red flag in a relationship is your first act of self-protection. And sometimes, it’s not just one red flag, it’s a mix of red flags yellow flags, where something might not be blatantly wrong, but definitely isn’t right either.
The Most Common Signs of Red Flags
Red flags in relationships aren’t always explosive arguments or toxic rants. Some are quiet. Sneaky. Wrapped in charm. These biggest red flags often show up in patterns we overlook because we want to believe the best. But learning to spot red flags examples helps you stop second-guessing yourself.
What are the red flags to watch out for? Here they are:
Passive-aggressive comments
Instead of being direct, they hide criticism inside “jokes” or sarcasm. For example, “Wow, you’re finally dressing better these days.” It sounds like a compliment, but it’s really a dig about how you looked before. That’s not kindness. That’s control in disguise. Classic red flags in dating too.Backhanded compliments
You’re left wondering: Did they just praise me… or insult me?
Things like, “You’re pretty smart for someone who keeps to themselves.” These comments confuse your sense of self and make you second-guess your worth, one of the quieter red flags in a relationship we don’t talk about enough.Hot and cold behavior
One week they’re texting, laughing, hyping you up. The next? Distant. Cold. Unavailable. That inconsistency messes with your emotional safety and leaves you walking on eggshells, a common trait of many relationship red flags.Unspoken energy shifts
Sometimes there are no words, just vibes. You feel anxious around them. Tense. Like you have to shrink or be extra careful. That discomfort is often your nervous system picking up on emotional danger before your brain fully processes it. What are the red flags in a relationship? They can include even the silent ones.
24 Red Flags to Watch for in Friendships
Beyond the ones we already listed earlier, here are more to look out for (because they come in different outfits):
1. They Compete With You Constantly
Friendship is meant to be a safe space; a soft landing for your joy, pain, growth, and dreams. But with competitive friends, even your wins don’t feel safe. You tell them you got a promotion, and instead of celebrating, they say something like, “Wow, I was offered a higher role months ago but turned it down.” Subtle? Yes. Harmful? Deeply.
These friends are constantly measuring you against themselves. Not out loud, but in the energy they give off. Your success becomes a threat. They may copy your ideas, downplay your progress, or always shift the focus back to their life. And after a while, you stop sharing things. You feel like your happiness becomes ammunition for their insecurity.
The most painful part is that you probably ignored it at first, thinking you were imagining it. But your joy shouldn’t make a friend uncomfortable. It should light them up, too. True friendship isn’t a scoreboard. It’s a shared celebration, where your glow doesn’t dim theirs.
2. They Guilt Trip You for Having Boundaries
This one cuts deep especially if you’re someone who doesn’t like disappointing people. You finally find the courage to say “no” or “I need space,” and they hit you with: “I just didn’t think you’d treat me like this…” or “Wow. After everything I’ve done for you?”
See what’s happening here? They’re shifting the focus away from your boundary and making it about their hurt feelings, even though your boundary isn’t an attack.
This kind of emotional manipulation is subtle because it doesn’t come with yelling. It comes with sighs, guilt trips, and silence that makes you feel like the villain. And soon, you start bending your limits just to avoid their disappointment. You give in. You stay longer. You say yes when you mean no. And the cycle continues.
But the truth is, real friends might not always like your boundaries, but they’ll respect them. They won’t punish you for protecting your peace. If someone sees your “no” as a betrayal, they weren’t loving you, they were controlling you.
3. They Expect You to Be Available 24/7
Friendship isn’t a job. You shouldn’t be on-call like a customer service rep, responding immediately or showing up on demand to prove you care. But some people tie availability to loyalty. They expect you to reply instantly, cancel your plans for them, and always say yes, even if you’re tired, busy, or just mentally checked out.
When you don’t, they send the “oh wow, I guess you’re too busy now” text. Or worse, they go silent and make you chase them emotionally, like you’ve failed some invisible test. This kind of dynamic is built on entitlement, not connection.
And here’s the part that hits the most: over time, you start to panic at every unread message. You feel guilty for not replying fast enough. You over-explain your silence. You start performing friendship out of fear of being misunderstood, not offering it freely from love.
Healthy friendships understand real life. It allows breathing room. It’s secure even in silence. And if your absence becomes proof of betrayal in their eyes? That’s not love. That’s emotional pressure masked as closeness.
4. They Talk Trash About Everyone Else
At first, it might seem like harmless bonding, venting about mutuals, sharing “tea,” or laughing over someone else’s drama. But over time, something starts to feel… icky. You notice that every conversation circles back to other people’s flaws, failures, or personal business. And you start wondering: if this is how they speak about everyone else, what are they saying about me when I’m not there?
It’s not paranoia, it’s pattern recognition. Friendships built on gossip aren’t grounded in trust. They’re built on performance. There’s always someone being picked apart. And eventually, it might be you. True connection is built in safety, where you know your name is protected even in rooms you’ll never enter.
5. They’re Never Happy for You, Genuinely
You share good news, maybe a personal win, a new opportunity, something that lights you up, and they smile… but it doesn’t reach their eyes. The words say “congrats,” but the vibe says, “why you and not me?”
At first, you brush it off. You tell yourself they’re just having a rough day. But then it happens again. And again. You start picking up on the subtle ways they change the subject, minimize your win, or twist the moment to highlight their own struggles. Suddenly, your joy feels like a burden. And that’s the thing: real friends lean in when you’re glowing. They don’t shrink from your light. If someone consistently makes your highs feel awkward or heavy, it’s a sign their presence might not be rooted in love, but in comparison.
6. They Make You Feel Like You’re Always the Problem
Every friendship hits bumps. That’s normal. But when every conflict somehow circles back to you being the issue, even when your hurt is valid, that’s emotional deflection. These friends are masters of flipping the script. You express a boundary? You’re “too sensitive.” You call out something that bothered you? Now you’re “starting drama.”
Over time, you begin to second-guess your feelings. You apologize more than you should. You become hyper-aware of everything you say, walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. But real friendship wont push you to silence just to avoid being blamed. It’s about being able to say, “This hurt me,” and being met with care, not defense or denial. If every conversation leaves you doubting yourself, it’s not growth. It’s emotional erosion, and you deserve better.
7. You Feel Anxious Before Hanging Out With Them
There’s a specific kind of dread that builds up before seeing a friend like this. It starts in the pit of your stomach, not always loud, but persistent. You’re rehearsing conversations in your head, wondering what version of them you’ll get today. Will they be warm? Distant? Judgmental? You’re overthinking your outfit, your energy, even your tone, all before you’ve even stepped out the door. And the worst part? You might not have words for the anxiety at first, so you blame yourself.
The truth is that your nervous system knows. That heaviness, that inner hesitation, it’s your body trying to keep you safe from a connection that no longer feels safe. Friendships shouldn’t come with dread. They should feel light, comforting, and easeful. If your body is consistently warning you, listen. It’s not lying. It’s a red flag.
8. They Only Showed Up When It Was Convenient for Them
At first, it looks like they care. They reach out, check in, make plans. But soon, you start noticing a pattern: they only call when they need something. Emotional support. A distraction. A favor. You’re the listener, the fixer, the therapist. But when you need the same energy back, space to vent, a shoulder to lean on, or a quiet presence, they’re suddenly “busy” or emotionally unavailable.
The friendship is no longer mutual. It becomes a service. And when you stop performing that role, they disappear altogether. This kind of dynamic is a red flag that leaves you feeling used, not loved. Real friends don’t treat you like a tool in their emotional toolbox. They show up even when they have nothing to gain. They stay, not just when it’s convenient, but when it counts.
9. They Made Me Feel ‘Too Much’ or ‘Not Enough’
There’s a silent grief that comes with being misunderstood by someone you trusted. When you speak with passion, they say you're “too intense.” When you need time alone, you’re “too distant.” When you think deeply, you’re “too sensitive.” And when you don’t act like everyone else? You’re “not enough”, not fun enough, social enough, or spontaneous enough.
Over time, you start editing yourself. Holding back. Trying to be more palatable, more digestible. But friendship isn’t supposed to make you feel like a project in need of fixing. It’s supposed to feel like safety, like being seen and still loved. If someone consistently makes you feel like your core traits are flaws, that’s a red flag. You are not too much. You are not lacking. You were just too real for someone who couldn’t meet you in your fullness.
10. They Dismissed the Things That Lit Me Up
There’s a special kind of joy that comes from sharing what lights you up, your art, your thoughts, your weird obsessions, that one book you can’t stop talking about. And when someone you care about responds with indifference, mockery, or eye rolls, it’s quietly crushing.
I remember a friend once laughed at a quote I put on my wardrobe. Another time, someone said the fiction story I wrote was boring without giving me tips on how to improve it.
It seems small in the moment, but over time, you start silencing yourself. You stop sharing. You shrink. And you tell yourself maybe your passions are boring, or too niche, or not cool enough. But your joy isn’t the problem. Their inability to hold space for your light is.
Real friends don’t need to understand everything you love, but they’ll love that you love it. Dismissing your passions isn’t neutral; it’s a quiet dismissal of you.
11. They Spoke Differently About You When You Weren’t Around
When someone smiles to your face, supports your work, and tells you they’re proud of you, only for you to later find out they were gossiping behind your back… it’s more than betrayal. It’s a rupture in reality. You start replaying every conversation, wondering what was real and what was performative. You feel humiliated, even though you did nothing wrong. And worse, if they’re charming or socially popular, others might side with them, making you feel isolated or dramatic for even bringing it up.
But truthfully? If someone can weaponize your name in rooms you’re not in, they were never your friend. Loyalty isn’t proven in your presence; it’s revealed in your absence. And someone who can’t protect your name when you’re not there should never have access to your heart while you are.
12. They Never Apologized, Even When They Were Clearly Wrong
Apologies are simple, but so telling. A real friend, when they hurt you, will say: “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that affected you. I’ll do better.” But a friend who never apologizes, or only gives vague, blame-shifting responses like “I’m sorry you feel that way”, is avoiding accountability. And often, they flip the situation so skillfully, you end up apologizing to them for being hurt.
You walk away from arguments confused, heavy, and unsure what just happened. That’s not conflict resolution. That’s manipulation.
Friendships aren’t perfect, but they do require humility. And if someone constantly hurts you and never takes responsibility, they’re not committed to growing with you, they’re committed to protecting their ego. Love without accountability isn’t love. It’s performance. And eventually, it leaves you carrying the weight of two people’s emotional labor.
13. They Drained You, Not Refilled You
There’s a difference between introvert fatigue and emotional depletion. With introvert fatigue, you’re tired after socializing, but it’s the kind of tired that comes with warmth, like a full day well spent. But with draining friendships? It’s different. You leave feeling hollow. Misunderstood. Off-center. You spend the whole hangout masking, overperforming, managing their energy, or absorbing subtle jabs. And even when the conversation is over, the discomfort lingers, sometimes for hours or days.
You find yourself needing to recover not just from socializing, but from them. And that’s when you realize: it wasn’t just a personality mismatch. It was emotional labor masquerading as friendship. Real friends don’t leave you soul-tired. They leave you feeling seen, even if you’re both in silence. The body doesn’t lie, and that constant feeling of inner depletion is your first and final clue.
14. They Mocked Your Boundaries
Boundaries are never meant to push people away, they’re meant to protect what’s sacred. Your peace. Your time. Your mental clarity. But when you set a gentle boundary, maybe you say “I can’t talk right now,” or “I need alone time tonight”, and they respond with jokes, guilt, or mockery? That’s not playful. That’s disrespect.
It might sound like, “Wow, you’re being dramatic,” or “Since when are you too good to hang out?” You might even laugh along just to ease the tension, but deep down, you feel dismissed. Over time, you stop speaking up. You start saying yes when you mean no, because the backlash feels worse than burnout.
But friends who tease you for honoring your needs are showing you how little they value your autonomy. Boundaries are not rejection; they are protection. And anyone who mocks your “no” never deserved your “yes.”
15. They Are Competitive With My Growth
You start a new project. You get an opportunity. You’re finally healing from a difficult season. And instead of celebrating, they subtly downplay it, or instantly bring up something they’ve done, too.
You say, “I’m really proud of myself for finishing that,” and they say, “Oh, I did something like that last year. It’s not that big of a deal.” At first, you brush it off. Maybe they didn’t mean it that way. But then it happens again. And again. And again.
Eventually, you realize that every time you shine, they pull the spotlight slightly back to themselves. It’s never your moment, it always has to be shared, if not stolen. That’s not support. That’s quiet competition. And it cuts deep because you aren’t looking for a rival, you were just looking for someone to walk beside you.
Real friendship doesn’t get weird when you grow. It rises with you. If someone’s ego can’t handle your evolution, they were never cheering for you, they were only clapping when you were behind.
16. They Vanished When Life Got Hard
Pain has a way of revealing who’s truly there for you. And some people, the ones who were loudest when things were good, get strangely quiet when you’re struggling.
Maybe you were battling anxiety, heartbreak, grief, burnout. You weren’t your usual self. You weren’t quick to reply. You didn’t have the energy to show up for everyone. And instead of understanding, they slowly disappeared. No check-ins. No “thinking of you.” Just distance, silence, absence.
Until things got better, and then they reappeared like nothing happened, ready for the good times again. That kind of friendship is conditional. It’s there for your highlight reel, not your healing, and it teaches you something hard but necessary.
Just because someone stood beside you in laughter doesn’t mean they’re strong enough to hold space for your tears. True friends don’t need you to be cheerful to care. They show up when it’s not convenient and lean in when you’re crumbling.
17. My Intuition Knew, but I Ignored It
Sometimes, we do know. Long before the fallouts, before the clarity, before the final straw, we feel it. In our gut. In our chest. In the way our body subtly tenses when their name lights up our phone.
Introverts especially pick up on these things. Energy shifts. Micro-changes. We read tone, timing, silence. And yet, we gaslight ourselves. “Maybe I’m overthinking.” “Maybe I’m just sensitive.” But deep down, a quiet part of you was already grieving something that hadn’t ended yet. That’s your intuition. That’s wisdom. And the lesson here? Never shame yourself for sensing something before it made sense.
Your intuition is there to protect you, not punish you. You’re not paranoid. You’re perceptive. And next time you feel that internal pull, that whisper of “something isn’t right”, listen. You don’t need proof to walk away. Your peace is reason enough.
18. They Always Played the Victim
In every story they told, someone else was the villain, a toxic ex, a jealous friend, an unreasonable boss. Never them. At first, you may have sympathized. Believed them. Took their side. But over time, you started seeing the patterns: they never owned their role in anything.
When conflict arose between you, they flipped it. Suddenly, you were the harsh one, the cold one, the one who “changed.” They twisted truths to protect their image and not your connection. And if you dared bring up your feelings, you’d end up comforting them for how your honesty made them feel.
That’s not communication. That’s emotional manipulation dressed up as helplessness. And the worst part? It makes you question yourself. But the truth is, friendships can’t thrive without accountability. We all mess up, but the difference is, real friends take responsibility. They don’t hide behind a victim narrative every time they’re asked to grow.
Liking this article? Join our Introvert Club→
19. They Celebrated Your Struggles More Than Your Successes
It’s strange, but some people only feel close to you when you’re down. When life is messy, when you’re hurting, when things aren’t working out, they’re suddenly attentive. Listening. Present. It might feel like support at first, but then you notice… when you’re doing well? They disappear. Or worse, they minimize your growth with silence, fake smiles, or subtle jabs.
Some people crave drama because your pain makes them feel needed or superior. But it’s a red flag if your friendship is built on misfortune. True friends don’t just show up to witness your breakdowns. They stay for the breakthroughs. They hype you when you rise. They celebrate your healing. And if someone is only around when you’re hurting? They aren’t helping, they are feeding on the chaos. That’s not love. That’s emotional opportunism.
20. They Make Jokes That Cut Too Deep
Humor can bring friends closer, but it can also be a weapon. Maybe they constantly made jokes about your sensitivity, your appearance, your interests, or even your trauma. And when you finally spoke up? “Relax, it’s just a joke.”
That’s emotional erosion. Over time, those “harmless” comments chip away at your self-worth. You start shrinking around them. Second-guessing your responses. Editing your joy. Real friends don’t make you the punchline just to get a laugh. They don’t mask cruelty with sarcasm.
If someone constantly makes you feel small under the guise of humor, it’s not playfulness; that’s passive-aggression hiding in plain sight and a big red flag. Truth is, you don’t need to “toughen up.” They need to grow up.
21. You Couldn’t Trust Them With Your Vulnerability
You finally opened up. You shared something tender, your fear, your past, your anxiety, your dreams. It took courage. But instead of holding your words with care, they did the unthinkable: they gossiped. Or worse, they weaponized your vulnerability during a future argument.
That kind of betrayal cuts deeper than any insult. Because vulnerability is sacred. It’s the rawest form of trust. When someone mishandles it, it’s not just disrespect, it’s emotional violence. And it teaches you, sadly, to retreat into yourself again.
But don’t let that carelessness define your capacity to connect. You weren’t “too open.” They were just not safe. The right friend won’t flinch when you show your scars. They’ll hold them gently. Protect them. And make sure you never feel ashamed for being real.
22. They Never Reciprocated the Energy You Gave
You showed up, emotionally, mentally, thoughtfully. You remembered their special days, celebrated their wins, sent long messages to uplift them when life hit hard. But when it was your turn? Crickets. Maybe they forgot your birthday, skimmed past your achievements, or never asked how you were doing.
This isn’t about keeping score. You weren’t doing things to get something back. But eventually, the imbalance weighed on your heart. True friendship is a two-way street. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about presence. If you’re always pouring and never being refilled, the friendship stops being safe. And you deserve relationships where your love is not just felt, but returned.
23. They are Great in Groups but Awkward One-on-One
They lit up in crowds, funny, charming, magnetic. But the second it was just the two of you? Awkward silences. Surface conversations. A strange emotional distance.
Some friendships thrive on noise, distraction, and being seen. But when the group fades, so does the connection. And for introverts, that quiet space is the real test. That’s where depth happens. Vulnerability. Real talk. If someone can’t sit with you in stillness, if the friendship doesn’t breathe outside the group dynamic, it might not be as solid as it seems. Maybe not a red flag, but a yellow flag that you need connections that aren’t just fun, but fulfilling.
24. You Outgrew Them, and They Resented You for It
You still wanted to keep them in your life. But as you healed, set boundaries, chose better for yourself… they started changing. The warmth turned distant. The check-ins got cold. You could feel their energy shift because you were evolving in ways they weren’t ready for.
Some people aren’t threatened by your pain; they’re threatened by your progress. They were okay when you were doubting yourself, playing small. But the moment you started choosing yourself? They saw it as betrayal. Growth doesn’t always look like losing people… but it does reveal who can’t grow with you. And that’s not your failure.
Why We Ignore Red Flags (Even When We Know)
A lot of us, especially introverts or deep feelers, ignore red flags because:
We don’t want to lose the history we’ve built.
We’re scared of confrontation or awkward fallouts.
We’ve normalized dysfunction, especially if we saw it growing up.
We over-empathize, thinking we can “love” someone into being better.
We blame ourselves (“maybe I need to be more understanding…”)
But red flags in men or women don’t go away when you ignore them. They just get louder. Whether it’s red flags in a guy friend, romantic partner, or even family, they don’t disappear with wishful thinking. The common red flags you overlook in the beginning often become the very reasons you leave later.
Things to Unlearn About Red Flags
1. “If I cut them off, I’m being dramatic.”
Not every example of red flag behavior needs a grand exit. Sometimes it’s a quiet realization that your peace matters more than people-pleasing. Choosing yourself is not a crime, it’s clarity.
2. “But we’ve been friends for years…”
Time is not loyalty. Even red flags in a man you’ve known forever can become impossible to ignore. Just because someone has been around doesn’t mean they deserve access to your healed self. What are red flags if not signs that it’s time to release what no longer aligns?
3. “They don’t treat everyone like this. Maybe it’s me.”
This is one of the most confusing examples of red flags, when someone is sweet to others but cold or controlling with you. In some cases, some red flags men, women, or friends display is acting nasty with others but kind only to you. This duplicity is a huge warning. If they act differently behind closed doors, that’s manipulation.
How to Handle Red Flags Once You See Them
1. Reflect First.
Before confronting anyone, come home to yourself. Sit with what you’re feeling. Write it out. Ask: “Do I feel safe in this friendship?” “Do I feel seen, supported, and valued?” The answers may reveal red flags in relationships you’ve been pushing aside. Introspection brings clarity.
2. Communicate (If Safe To Do So).
If you feel the relationship has value, and you believe the person may respond well, open up gently. Be honest. If they brush off your concerns or twist your words, you’ve just found another example of red flag behavior.
3. Set Boundaries.
Not all red flags in a relationship require immediate cut-off. Some simply call for tighter boundaries. Maybe you share less. Maybe you stop showing up out of guilt. Boundaries are your way of saying: “I see the red flags in a guy or girl, and I choose to honor my energy.”
4. Release With Grace.
Not everyone is meant to stay, especially when red flags in men or women become patterns. You don’t need to justify peace. Just walk away, gently but firmly.
5. Don’t Second-Guess the Peace You Feel After They’re Gone.
If you feel lighter without them, that’s your body confirming what your intuition already knew. What are the red flags? They’re the things you kept excusing. Now you don’t have to. That peace is your freedom from emotional confusion.
Live Your Best Quiet Life
Get the Am I Too Quiet? book →
Final Thoughts
You feel it, and most times, you will see the red flags. Acting on your intuition is not a bad thing. You deserve nourishing relationships and shouldn't stay when it's time to pull back from toxic friendships. Staying when you know you deserve better friendships is betraying yourself, not them. It might require you to be alone for a while, but that’s totally fine. Your emotional well-being is as important as anything else, so take care of it. If you enjoyed reading this, share this article with someone who needs to see it.
You Might Also Like
See more →
