All my Friends are Extroverts: Why Introverts Aren’t Friends With Other Introverts
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Your extroverted friend keeps trying to make you attend a social gathering, but you’d rather stay in and enjoy your quiet activities.
You end up feeling lonely, wondering if you could have a friend who understands your need for introspection.
Could that be the solution to feeling like ‘no one gets you’?
Having an introvert friend.
Well…
Even though this sounds like a great plan, there’s still a common stereotype that needs to be addressed—Introverts don’t befriend other introverts because they’re both ‘too quiet’.
This type of friendship can seem like a match made in heaven, but it’s often rare to come across, with the extrovert-introvert associations taking precedence.
If you relate to this scenario, you’re in luck because in this article,
I’ll be sharing some of the hindrances in introvert friendships, and how to change this status quo for good.
The Science of Introversion and Extroversion:
Introversion and extroversion are like opposite ends of a spectrum when it comes to how people gain energy.
Extroverts are like phones that need constant external charging through social interaction. They thrive on conversations, parties, and being around people.
Introverts, on the other hand, are like internal batteries. They recharge by spending time alone, focusing on their thoughts and feelings. Social interaction can be draining for them, and they need quiet time to feel energized.
There's a common misconception that introverts dislike people altogether.
However, introverts crave meaningful connections just as much as extroverts. They simply prefer them in smaller doses and with deeper emotional intimacy.
The Perks of Extrovert Friends:
Before we talk about introvert friendships, let’s take a moment to appreciate the perks of extrovert friends. This type of friendship usually doesn’t start with the usual ‘let’s be friends’ type of scenario. Most of the time, extroverts lead the relationship, while introverts go with the flow.
I once heard a quote that says, “Introverts don’t make friends, they just wait until an extrovert adopts them.”
While this is a funny narrative, I’ve had situations where this had backfired tremendously, especially when the extrovert didn’t respect my privacy and began invading my life–trying to make me ‘like them’. However, there are times when this has been a great alliance.
For example:
They push you out of your comfort zone (in a good way!):
Most of the fun places I’ve been to have been because of an extrovert. Literally, if I didn't have any extrovert friends, I would be in my room 24/7– or maybe I’d explore some nature parks. But most definitely, I would not be researching some of the best places in the city and planning a trip there.
For more context, this happens because extroverts have a lot of social energy to spare. As a result of associating with them, we can tap into their vast pool of social dopamine, and end up taking risks we wouldn’t have done usually. It’s also congruent if you have extrovert siblings and you’re an introvert. They’d really push you to go the extra mile in your social adventures (or at least try to).
They're great at social situations:
Having an extrovert friend is like a walk in the social park because they know how to navigate social situations excellently. The benefit of this is that they can be your voice when you don't want to speak, or maybe even save you from an awkward encounter.
Believe me, I’ve experienced this.
A good example I can use to explain this is during my final year in the university. My department organized a goodbye party, and I had to attend. P.S. I had never been to a party in school before then, so I was kind of oblivious to what I’d see. When the party started, a lot of wild dancing also began, and I was just at one corner of the table, watching everyone in amazement.
The most annoying part was some of my male coursemates kept approaching me for a dance. In my mind, I was like “Nah! I’m not doing all that crazy dancing with anyone.” My course rep at that time, an extrovert, sensed the vibe. He was anchoring the party, so you’d expect him to convince me to dance. On the contrary, while he was the master of ceremony, when some guys came to disturb me about dancing, he’d tap them and gesture to them to let me be.
I didn’t have to say anything, and I was able to avoid that awkward incident entirely. The reason is because extroverts are more prone to speaking up. So, if you find one that understands your introvert tendencies, it’s a win-win. P.S. I’ve learned my lesson. No more parties.
They help you understand different perspectives:
One additional reason why extrovert-introvert friendships also work is because extrovert friends bring a different energy and perspective to the table. This can be stimulating if you’re an introvert who wants to gain new insights or ideas from other people.
Personally, I love to explore life using other people’s stories. It’s the same thing as watching a good movie and seeing the world without having to move from your couch. With extroverted counterparts, it’s similar. They often have stories and perspectives that can explain social dynamics, without you needing to be in that situation. Cheers to being a curious thinker, am I right?
The Introvert BFF Myth:
Hold up! Before you say to yourself, “Introverts can’t be great friends for each other!” they absolutely can, and I’m going to prove it to you.
But first, let’s address some of the challenges that often stir up this misconception.
We gravitate to smaller social circles:
Introverts are cautious about who they let into their social circle. On a personal level, I’m mostly the one at the corner of the room, observing everyone and considering who could be a potential acquaintance.
Extroverts, on the other hand, have an “approach first, ask questions later” mentality, and that’s why they have tons of friends and are mostly the first ones initiating friendships.
We crave deep connections:
It’s safe to say that small talk tires us. We don't want to end up having friendships where all we talk about is ‘what we had for breakfast’. Small talk isn’t just a thing amongst extroverts. Even introverts can resort to small talk when there’s no deep connection or shared interests.
As such, we are a little bit selective about our friendships.
Even though people say introverts often wait to be approached, meaning that anyone who initiates a conversation becomes our friend–this isn’t completely true. I’ve had scenarios where I’ve had to distance myself from surface-level friendships initiated by someone else.
Why? Because there wasn’t anything in common for us to talk about. And with limited social energy, engaging in those types of conversations leaves me more drained than I’d prefer.
So before forming friendships, most introverts consider if the relationship is deep enough to venture into or if it’ll leave us feeling empty.
So in summary, the desire for smaller circles and deep connections, and not actively putting ourselves out there, can leave us at a disadvantage in being close friends with other introverts.
But there’s the thing, this doesn’t have to be the case.
There are a lot of benefits of introvert friendships that we’re missing out on and I’m going to share just a few with you:
Deep conversations:
While you can still have deep conversations with extroverts, it’s different with an introvert friend. Introverts are soft-spoken and listen more than the average extrovert. Their responses are also from a carefully thought-out viewpoint, making each conversation extra meaningful.
But here’s the clause: I’ve had conversations with some introverts who had nothing to say, and there are some reasons for this. First things first, while all introverts are similar, we still have our unique personalities. I’m more of a curious thinker and my conversations are more deep-focused. This may not be the case with other introverts.
Secondly, I must confess that I could also be ‘that’ introvert who doesn’t respond frequently in some conversations. It could be based on the level of our friendship, my interest in the topic, or simply my state of mind at that moment. While it’s tempting for me to get angry at other introverts who may be too quiet, I sometimes remember that I’m also very quiet.
Shared understanding:
Another benefit of having an introvert friend is that they ‘get you’ when you say you need some quiet time. They’re not going to ask you, “What’s wrong?” or try to make you more outgoing than your usual self.
There’s also a reduced chance of having burnout–that feeling of not wanting to relate with anyone and just lock yourself in your room. This type of shared understanding is a goldmine and something that should be treasured.
On a personal note, I shared some special moments with an introverted friend–especially when it comes to advice. On two different occasions, when I’ve been confused about situations involving an extrovert, an introvert’s advice has actually saved the say. This happened because the introvert better understands my unique temperaments, and can give me advice that won't push me outside my comfort zone.
Have you ever felt that before? If not, then the next section will be pretty helpful.
Finding Your Introvert Tribe:
Let's face it, giant parties and constant small talk can feel like kryptonite to us introverts. They drain us out and prevent us from forming great connections with people.
But that doesn't mean we have to miss out on amazing friendships!
Here are some tips to find your introvert tribe and build connections that energize, not drain your social battery:
Join introvert-friendly activities:
Book clubs, board game cafes, online forums for your niche hobby – these are goldmines for meeting people who appreciate meaningful conversations and understand when you need to recharge. And hey! You can join the Introvert Club here. We’re more than happy to have you.
Take the initiative (baby steps!):
Starting a conversation might feel like climbing Mount Everest, but remember, even a friendly "Hey, I love that book too!" at a bookstore can spark a connection. Once I realized that I didn't have to wait for the other person to initiate a conversation, I became more confident doing this. And trust me, it has helped me connect with great individuals.
Look for introvert cues:
Notice the person chilling with a coffee, lost in a book, at the corner table. They might just be your future BFF! Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation – they're probably craving genuine connection as much as you are.
Hint: If the introvert doesn’t respond immediately, don't let that discourage you. They may probably be too shy or not in their comfort zone to be social enough. As introverts, socializing isn’t our best feature.
But remember, we make fantastic friends – for each other and everyone else! We're the listeners, the deep thinkers, the ones who cherish quality time. So, put yourself out there (in small doses, of course) and embrace the awesome introvert friendships waiting to be discovered!
Over to You:
It's clear that introverts can have fulfilling friendships with both extroverts and introverts. While extrovert friends offer unique perks and push us out of our comfort zones, introvert friendships can provide deep emotional intimacy and understanding.
Let’s embrace our awesomeness and seek out introvert soulmates because they're out there, waiting to form meaningful connections based on mutual understanding and respect.
Have any experience with either introvert or extrovert friendships? Please share them below.
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